The end to a beginning and the full circle

I started watching this new show. I fell in love with it. I zoomed through the seasons and found myself nearing the last few episodes. I couldn't watch them. I restarted the show, once, twice, three times, always restarting before getting to those last episodes. I went about this method for over a year, until finally working up the courage to watch those final episodes. Why? I thought to myself. Why did I find it so difficult and appalling to finish watching a few episodes of a show I liked?

This was over two years ago. I now know my answer.

My whole life was full of similarity and consistency. Same house, same family, same best friends. Occasionally change knocked on my door but the thought of change was quite feared by me; and yet I craved it. It was contradictory. I was so terrified of growing up, so worried about the change that would burst through that door and grab me no matter how much I grasped onto the doorway. Yet, I was always thinking about the future. I was always aiming for where I would go once high school was a thing of the past. I was ready.

and I was not.

A few months before graduation, I lost the first thing I ever loved: my sweet cat Jasmine. She had been in my life since I was 3 years old. I never experienced death before. I knew around that time that within the next few years she would pass away. I never expected it to be the following week.

I spent the next few months processing that change and enjoying every moment I had at home with my friends and family. I was headed off to New York in the fall to pursue my dreams, like so many have. I wrote countless journal entries about how scared I was to leave everything behind, but my eyes were wide with wonder of what could come. I knew it was the end of consistency. I knew it was the end of everything I knew, and I knew it even more the day I lost Jasmine. It seemed inevitable after that to welcome change into my life. To finally watch the last few episodes and close the chapter. To be able to enjoy things for the moment in time that we have them and learn to release it when it's time.

A few days before my move, I was paralyzed. Paralyzed with both excitement and fear, knowing I would more than likely never live at home again with my entire family. I had to say goodbye.

It's now three years later. Up until this last year, I still was fearful of change. I still would hold onto things as much as I could because I knew nothing lasts forever. Now I have a life established here, I visit my family when I can and stay as long as I can, and when I'm not there, I find myself constantly reminiscing of the times when I was. I find myself chasing memories and nostalgic feelings and trying my best to recreate them here when I can.

Interesting how that works?

I for so long dreamed of where I am now. I could never stop thinking about it. Now I'm finally here and I find myself missing the memories of the past. It's a full circle. We long to be somewhere, we get there, we enjoy it, we find ourselves looking towards the past or the future. We may stay in the present for a moment but not for long.

We have to learn to stay more in the present. Though I long for the memories of the past, I also long for the moment I'm creating NOW, because I know my once new beginning will turn into the end, and into a new beginning once again. I know that life is a revolving door and we never know what will walk in next.

So I urge you, my reader, to try to stay present. Remember that life is full of endings and beginnings and remember that with every ending, something new will begin. It's hard to say goodbye to the past. It's hard not to live in it, but life is about moving forwards. It's about change, it's about beginnings and endings, it's about momentary things. If things lasted forever, we'd never truly appreciate them. Change can feel like the worst of things in the moment, but it's often times the best. Endings are always the beginning of something new.

Love, Sarah