The mosaic of me

I caught myself bundled up in old photos like a cozy jacket warming me in the dead of winter. I found the sunsets of the past jumping out at me as if I were seeing them for the first time. I noticed the pain in my heart when the photos of ones lost resurfaced, and the aching of something impossible approached my heart. I saw the evolution of me, the bits and pieces that changed with each photo as years went on. The different hair colors and haircuts. The different body types. The different types of smiles. The different styles. I saw the person I was. I saw the moments in which I was becoming the person I am now.

I always loved photos because of their magical ability to present me with a sort of whisper to my heart. They're a chance to look back on something for sure. The chance to relive something for a short moment. A moment where the nostalgia of forever ago can make my eyes revisit the feelings and visions of the past.

Sometimes, on certain days, in certain moments, for a very short moment, I find myself stuck in the gel of time. Those once-present feelings and emotions creep back into me, and for a split second, it's like no time has ever passed at all.

It's in those moments when I realize how big of a part these memories play in the mosaic of me. In the moment, you never know if this is going to be a memory you will look back on so strongly. Not just any memory, a core memory. A memory that you find yourself revisiting on certain days when the long stretch between past and present seem to fuse together.

When I was little, I had many days that seemed almost identical to this exact memory. I'm coming down the stairs, it's early in the morning. The golden hour sunrise is beaming through the many windows that were in my living room. The sun is so bright and it illuminates the house with this golden glow. I see my brother running around with his Legos, flying his spaceships or driving his little cars. It smells like pancakes and bacon. I know when my time is up in this world, that memory will play again in my head. Nowadays, sometimes if the sun is glowing just the right way, or certain other characteristics of the memory evoke that nostalgia, I'll find myself feeling the same emotions I felt in that exact moment. It's so peaceful. It's such a happy memory. I think this is one of those things that words could never express correctly. Its a feeling. A feeling only I know. I think to myself how much I carry this memory with me so strongly. How it lives so vividly in my brain. I have a few memories like this. Ones that are core memories for me. I think I'll be refeeling them for the rest of my life. One day I'll have new core memories that I'll be revisiting as well.

Some pictures I have captured are core memories. They take me back for a second. I don't live in the past, at least I try not to. But on some days, the sadness of what will never be again just walks right into my heart and brings me to tears. Today I found myself longing for those memories. My heart feels heavy. I saw pictures of myself throughout the years and wondered how time went by so fast. I saw the changes that were visible and remembered the ones that weren't. I was reflecting on all the things that made up who I am. The mosaic of me.

And I wept. I wept tears of joy. I'm so thankful for the memories and moments that make up me. I'm thankful for all the versions of myself. They were all so beautiful and they all live inside me and remind me of the never-ending growth within myself. The memories make me thankful to be alive. They make me thankful to feel, thankful to have lived the exact life I've lived. What a beautiful life I've been fortunate enough to live, and what a beautiful thing it is to be able to feel so much love and emotion for it all. I can't help but cry tears of joy for all that I have lived. For all the love I've experienced, for all the happiness and joy. For all the moments that made me exactly who I am today. The memories, the different haircut's and hair colors, the different styles, the different things I loved and hated, my favorite movies, my favorite songs, my favorite foods. Some of those things are different now and I have new favorites. But I never forget the love I used to have for the old things. The way they'd make me feel back then. How they are all part of my mosaic.

I wonder sometimes if other people feel this way. If they have core memories or if they think about the past and memories and the evolution of them the way I do. Sometimes it's hard to articulate the thoughts in my mind. Writing can make it easier at times. If you feel that you have a core memory, or similar thoughts or feelings you'd like to share with me, comment below or shoot me an email. Let's connect over the beautiful mosaic that is our life.

Love, Sarah